Sunday, May 15, 2011

Yay Estrogen

So it's been an interesting weekend to say the least. I've definitely felt like a girl.. what with the crying and the emotional meltdowns and the sobbing and the low self esteem. It's been lovely, I promise. My husband has definitely enjoyed it, I'll tell ya what! Basically it's been a mixture of 5 cups mis-communication, 2 tablespoons angst, 5 handfuls of frustration, 2 sleepless nights full of nightmares and unhappiness and a pinch or two of selfish behavior! Mix it all together (and double and a half it {yay Alex}) and you have one eventful episode of death, destruction, and depressing sobbing! whoopie! Sound fun, huh?? 

Well it's not. And all that these episodes accomplish are making me feel like a loser and failure and a terrible wife! Which, lets be honest, isn't quite fair... cuz it takes two to Tango... or in this case have a huge fight! But then why is it, that no matter what the circumstance I ALWAYS feel like it was all completely and utterly my fault? 

Thoughts that go through my mind mid fight:
  • Bah, seriously? 
  • Great, I've successfully ruined another perfectly lovely day.
  • Allie, just say you're sorry. 
  • Allie... do it. say that you are sorry and that you want to just go back to having a lovely time. 
  • Great, now he's REALLY frustrated with you... you should have just said it. 
  • Dummy Face! 
  • Way to go, way to ruin another day!! 
So at this point, i'm sobbing. but not because Alex is mean, or angry or anything bad. --Side note: i got really REALLY lucky when it comes to having arguments with my husband. He doesn't yell, or fly off the handle or walk out on me. He just patiently listens as i rant about my latest issue, whatever that may be.-- but i'm sobbing because i'm so dang frustrated with life.

My thoughts after fight:
  • You are so dumb!
  • why can't you be more like _______... Alex would love you so much more if you just acted like _______... 
  • You are so picky. Alex doesn't do anything bad and you just have to find something wrong
  • Do you thrive on contention?? Idiot girl!!
  • You MUST be better in the future. 
  • You are a terrible human being.
  • how do you even live with yourself...
  • i can't believe Alex puts up with this. 
  • i'm so stupid.
  • I hate myself.
  • hate hate hate.
  • more hate.
All of this is intermixed with sobbing and hugging alex, asking him why on earth he married me and how he could possibly love someone as horrible as me {why yes, i am a bit melodramatic, thanks for picking up on that}

And of course, there is always a lovely make up in which alex assures me that he loves me more than i could possibly imagine, my tears are wiped away, and he holds me as i try to subdue my post traumatic stress hiccups. Then live resumes as normal. <sigh>  life is lovely and beautiful and i'm my happy lovely self again... but i just always want to do better. (see honey, i really do have good intentions!!!)
And i guess that's what life is all about, right? Recognizing there is an issue, and constantly trying to improve? Okay, good. So here I go. Improvement time. Maybe my fuse is a little short, and i lose my temper and let my feelings get hurt too quickly. I'll work on that. Promise.  

Now here is a list of things i know that i am good at. :D
  • being a companion. I'm cute and fun and spontaneous. Alex loves me. and I love him. 
  • being a loving mom to my baby kitten! Even though he is the Devil in disguise sometimes. I cuddle with him and give him food and clean out his litter box and let her play with all my hair ties! 
  • making yummy food. This is a talent i had no idea i had until i got married. but it's a talent nonetheless! 'nuff said. i make good food!
  • I keep the house clean, the laundry done and food in the fridge. yay domestic responsibility!
  • I can quote movies, sing almost every song on the radio and still have some original thought of my own. 
  • I am an artist! I love photography and drawing and singing and dance and all other forms of creative expression! 
  • I'm smart. and funny and a good listener and i give good back rubs and i am great at doing people's hair and nails and i can text fast and i love the color orange and zebras are amazing!!!
okay, so i'm done ranting. All in all, there is always room for improvement. Whether you know that you have tons to work on or not. Search within yourself to constantly improve!
On a different note, tonight i had a lovely girls night full of love and all kinds of happiness! there was cake and chips and salsa and DP. and candy and laughter and Ewan McGregor and Dimitri :D Thank you girls for lifting my spirits and helping me remember how loved i truly am!! 

The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn is Just to Love and be Loved in Return!!! <3

I love you Alex, no matter what! <3

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