alright kids, this is about to get really real.
i usually try to keep my posts light and fun and nice... but today i have a lot on my heart. and i need an outlet.
It's been a whole month of doing weight watchers, and I am actually very surprised I am seeing such amazing results. I have lost 11 pounds. It feels great. Plus I am going to the gym 4 times a week, and staying for at least 2 hours. Which feels awesome. But even with the successes, it's been frustrating. I hate that if I "reward myself" on a date night, (and by reward, i mean, i allow myself to eat half a roll and get some sugar free gelato) that it throws off my entire week. How can one meal ruin a whole week of being good?? I just don't understand that science behind that one. And how come, even after losing 11 pounds, my pants still feel tight, and I still haven't seen any changes? It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. like i am not deserving of any changes.
I am completely aware that this process takes a long time, and that I must be patient. But sometimes I just feel like giving up. Granted, i know that this won't help anything be better, and i know that I owe it to myself to keep going. But how do i keep going, and eating salads, and refusing sweets, and killing myself at the gym, when it seems to be all for not.
I recently just pushed through my first plateau, and that felt awesome! but that wonderful feeling of accomplishment is so fleeting. I'm just used to telling myself that i'm not good enough and that this is just a fluke. My heart and my brain both totally believe that I am a "fat girl" and that no matter what the scale says, i will never get rid of that title. No matter what size pants i'm able to wear, i'm still undesirable, and gross.
ugh, what terrible feelings. why do i feel this way. it's not like i don't have people constantly telling me how much they love and admire me. cuz i do. my family is SO supportive, and my husband is incredible. but for some reason, no matter what they say, it doesn't penetrate deep enough for me to truly believe it. I wish so badly that i could change that about myself. I'm much less concerned about the number on the scale, as much as i am with the way i feel about myself.
Self acceptance is such a huge thing. I think it's important to love yourself. and I think it's important to feel proud of yourself. and i'm working on it. I think by being super open, and truthful, i can figure out the reasons why i feel so sad, and so discouraged all the time. I think that this is the first step in the process to becoming a self accepting person. and i really hope that i am able to overcome all of these yucky feelings, and move on to becoming a much happier version of myself.
I wish i could just see the end result. I wish i could see myself a year from now and know that things will continue to go well. /sigh. wouldn't that be nice in all aspects of life. to know what the future looks like. to know that you will have healthy children, and a stable job, and a long life with your spouse. But that's basically impossible. The best i can do is to have the faith to keep trying. To trust the process and keep doing the things that i know are right. weather that be in my spiritual goals, or weight loss goals. we just have to keep pushing forward.
i'm sorry i'm rambling. But i have just had so many pent up emotions, and i'm sure Alex gets sick of hearing about all of the same concerns and frustrations, cuz trust me, he hears about all of this on a regular basis.
anyway, I really hope that I can move forward with a lot of optimism, and that no matter what happens in regards to my weight, i can begin to heal myself emotionally. I will keep a better record of my journey on the blog, so that i am able to track my progress, and remember my struggles and my successes.
on a much lighter note, i get to spend the next 9 days in Disney World for 'work' :) it should be a great deal of fun!
i truly hope you have a happy day!