Today is the one year anniversary of my "transformation". Transformation is a weird word because sometimes I don't feel that different at all, I'm still me. And I think that's good. But at other times I feel like I barely recognize myself, and not just on the outside. I am amazed at who I have become on the inside as well.
I had an eating disorder.
I was sick, and hungry and grouchy. My poor husband. If someone put me in a position where I couldn't control how what I was eating I was mad, and so things like family dinners, double dates with friends and holiday parties became stressful and annoying. I was mostly in denial about the fact that everything I was doing to my body was unhealthy, and went against everything I knew I should have been doing. I wanted to see results so badly, that I was willing to compromise my health and my sanity. I was just talking to my friend Hope, and she said, "I remember sitting with you in your living room and you telling me how you had worked out and burned more calories than you'd eaten that day, and how MyFitnessPal was urging you to eat more. And you were so excited by that. And I didn't even know how to respond because I love you and I want to support you, but it was scary."
It was scary, but sadly it took a few months before I would admit that something was going to have to change. I couldn't live like this forever. Regardless of the excitement I felt when I would see the scale go down, I was so unhappy the rest of the day, it wasn't worth it. I knew that everything I had been doing up to this point wasn't anything I could do for a lifetime. I can't live without carbs forever, I can't workout more than I eat for the rest of my life, and I can't hate my body and be unhappy in my skin for the rest of time. I knew something had to change.
I'm sure my body will keep changing, and I'm excited to watch it transform. I plan to have more children, and to go on more hikes, and play with my kids in the park and have lazy days and overall just be kind to myself. I have found peace with body and my mind, and for this I'm a better mom and spouse and friend and daughter and sister.
These are my current body pictures. I'm so happy.