You guys... I'm having a baby... I'm having a baby in the morning to be more specific. Actually, I may have already had her, depending on when you are reading this.
It's weird to think that I'm going to be a mom. I mean, I know I have had 9 months to prepare my mind for this, but honestly I still can't really wrap my head around it. I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about this whole thing.
In all honesty, I'm just really really scared. So much is changing in just about 12 hours from right now (06/03/14 10:15pm). I don't even really know how to articulate all of my emotions. I am definitely excited. I can't wait to see what she looks like, and to see her little personality. But I'm afraid of the pain... because lets be honest, pushing a baby out of my lady bits doesn't sound like something I want to put on my everyday to-do list. But more than just the pain I'm scared to have so many things change within my day-to-day. I'm worried about my relationship with my husband. I'm worried I'm going to turn into a huge mommy-monster and that out relationship is going to suffer. I don't want to be mean. I don't want to be sleep deprived and angry and pushy and bossy and emotional. But I know that those things are basically inevitable. I plan on praying 24/7 for about 6 months after this little one gets here. I know that Heavenly Father is going to be the best resource for me to make it through this huge transition.
I'm scared about breast feeding. I'm aware that it's going to hurt and that I am going to want to give up pretty much 20,000 times a day. I'm worried about my supply, and the best schedule for pumping. I just feel so naive. I don't know much about pumping, or storing the breast milk, or bottle feeding and all the other things that come with trying to feed an infant.
I'm worried about sleeping schedules, and SIDS, and swaddling. I just feel like I can't even fully enjoy this new adventure because I'm JUST SO SCARED! But I'm hoping that being nervous is normal. That like in a performance, being nervous just enhances your senses and heightens your ability to adapt to new things.
I'm not stupid though, I know that it is all going to be okay. And luckily, I LITERALLY have the best husband in the whole world. He is SO calm, and SO excited and just so wonderful. I honestly couldn't do any of this without him. He is always there to reassure me that I can in fact do this. It will feel so natural once she is here and that I will be an amazing mom.
I'm so proud of Alex. It's so fun to see how excited he is. He is always talking to my belly, and telling her to cook faster. One day I just randomly asked him what he was thinking and he said "I'm just thinking about our daughter and how much I already love her." /dead. so cute. Oh, and yesterday was my actual due date, and he woke up and yells, "TODAY'S THE DAY" and I told him that it probably wasn't going to happen, and he just looked so deflated and said, "Man, this is worse than waiting for my birthday and Christmas combined!!!" Haha, It was so adorable. It's so great that he is so excited. He hasn't showed one ounce of nerves the whole time, and I'm so lucky that I can rely on him and lean on him for support and strength. Love him so much and I will always love him the most!
There's more than just fear though. I'm going to be really sad to not be pregnant anymore. I'm one of those weird women who just LOVE being pregnant. It really has been such an amazing experience and I had such an easy time, I was so blessed. I love seeing and feeling her move in my belly. Watching her kick and punch and squirm is so fascinating, and I loved every time she would get the hiccups... which was at least twice a day. I felt so beautiful and glowy growing this little babe, and i can only imagine how not lovely I am going to be feeling once she is born and my body has been basically ripped apart. Oh gosh, lets not even get me started on the fears I have about all the postpartum pain I will experience...
With all the nerves and fears, I am excited to meet our little nugget. I already love her so much.
Baby Girl, I hope you know how badly I want to be the best possible mom I can be. You deserve the best, and I will try every day to live up to that expectation.
We're having a BABY!! <3